I scroll through my Instagram feed aimlessly, then I check the views on my last Youtube video and open up the email app, hoping for some cool collaborations. The more I click, scroll and engage the more a feeling of disappointment arises: I could be doing better.
I could create more content. Post more frequently. Try out different platforms. It feels as if everyone else on social media is doing better than me.
How can I get more likes, clicks and followers? I am losing myself in the crowd, drowning in the MORE MORE MORE mentality of our digital era.
The more I click scroll and engage the more a feeling of disappointment arises: I could be doing better.
I catch myself swimming with the stream, uploading certain photos and videos, because I know they will perform well, not because I think they are necessarily good. I focus on Instagram, because that’s what people care about. I mean- who reads blogposts anymore anyway?
Throughout the last year I have lost some parts of myself, trying to please other people. Most importantly though, I have ignored the part of me that wants to write.
I crave to express myself through words, because no photo or video will ever be able to bring across ideas and emotions they way writing does.
The right words beautifully arranged in the perfect flow of sentences gives me goosebumps.
The last real blogpost (My double life) I wrote was in April 2018- more than one year ago. Since then I have stopped writing about topics I care about.
Why? Because I thought that no one cares.
In a world where entertainment has to be quick, shiny and ideally involve nudity- who would read my blogposts?
I thought spending my time doing other things would bring me more success. What are 1000 clicks on a blogpost when you can get 100.000 with an IG video?
I lost the part of me that loves to write, because I was too obsessed with caring about what I should be doing instead of what I wanted to do.
Why are we so obsessed with success? Why do we care so deeply about what everyone else thinks and so little about what we really want to say? Why don’t we do things anymore simply for the sake of doing them? Why does everything have to be tied to a productive outcome?
We are so busy creating a perfect image of ourselves instead of showing up as the person who we truly are.
The idea of failure hurts more than the idea of not being our true selves.
So here I am. It’s the 16thJune 2019 and I am writing this blogpost, telling myself that it’s ok if no one reads it.
“Janine, all that matters is that you start writing again.”
Don’t lose that part of you.