On one hand I am living my dream, travelling the world, making money through my blog and getting amazing opportunities. On the other hand, however, my life is not so perfect and glamorous. This last week, trips to the hospital have been a daily occurrence in order for me to visit my dad. My dad is suffering from Parkinson’s disease dementia and unfortunately his health has dramatically deteriorated over the last months. His medical condition has completely thrown our family life upside down.
Why am I sharing this with thousands of people on the internet? No, I am not here to get more people to read my blog or to have others feel sorry for me. I am writing this, because I am so sick of the fake, posed photos on Instagram, the meaningless captions and the lack of reality. I feel like I am lying to you if I am not sharing the whole picture. Moreover, I recently read somewhere on the internet: “you must always write about what makes you feel the most uncomfortable”. Oh boy, writing this does make me feel uncomfortable, because it’s the truth about my life right now. No filter to make it pretty or superficial caption to hide my real feelings.
I always want to understand everything in life. Since I am small I have been questioning everything: How does this work? Why is is this way? Not understanding makes me feel uncomfortable. The hardest part for me right now is not being able to comprehend why my dad’s life had to turn out the way it did.
Up until his sickness his life was pretty much perfect. He worked hard and lived his dream: flying was his biggest passion so he became a pilot. Thanks to his job he got to travel the world on daily basis (now you know where I got my travel bug from). Ironically it was his job that he loved so much that eventually cost him his health, since the suffered from an aerotoxic syndrome that eventually lead to this Parkinson’s disease dementia. He was passionate about the environment, giving back and being kind. He had a beautiful wife and two healthy kids: Julia and me. One of the things that he kept telling me when I was little was: “I will always love you, no matter what, just because I am your dad.”
I think it is only now that I am fully grasping those words. When someone you have known your whole life, someone you have always looked up to, forgets your name and is no longer who they once were, you understand that true love is when you get to see beyond that, and you decide to always carry who they once were in your heart.
Anger. Oh, how I had to deal with this emotion in the beginning when my dad got worse and worse. My dad was such a good person- why did he have to get sick? Why did this have to happen to my family? Why did my mom (who already grew up with her mother in a wheelchair) have to take care of yet another person, whilst there were other wives out there who spent their entire time shopping, slurping champagne and paying a maid to do the dishes? Why did I have to worry about this, when I haven’t even figured my own life out?
Now I have learnt that no matter how difficult or devastating something in your life might appear to be, you always learn from it or at least you get to grow from the obstacles.
No, my life is not just staying at 5-star resort and getting sent lots of clothes for free. I am learning and growing from this difficult situation, whilst trying to not loose myself in the midst of it all. This is not an article about the latest beauty trends, the coats that you must own this spring or where you can shop my Instagram looks. This is about my life. Raw and unfiltered.
Sometimes it feels as if I am living a double life: getting to experience so many amazing things whilst travelling, yet struggling with such a difficult situation at home. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize: this isn’t a double life- it is just life. Life always consist of good and bad and without bad there would be no good.
In the end, life is not what happens to you, it is how you deal with it.