In 2012 god has decided to give the social media addicted generation, that is too busy staring at their smartphone instead of going out and meeting people, a wonderful app to not have to go out and meet people in bars or clubs: Tinder
I’m sure you all know how it works, but just in case you live under a rock let me recap: You can create your profile with pictures and a short text about you and your hobbies (in case you have any). The app will then provide you with pictures of boys/girls, who you can then swipe either left (if you don’t like them) or right and if they match you too you can start writing to each other.
Personally I do not have Tinder as I think it is the dumbest and most shallow app the world has yet seen, but regardless of the fact that I despise Tinder I have been on multiple tinder dates third wheeling. You must know Janine is also known as the Tinder Queen. And since she is a bit of a paranoid physopath I had to tag along to multiple Tinder dates to make sure they are not axe murders or rapists, to then hang out with the weird friend. So let me share with you some of her Tinder dates through my eyes. Note that all of the places and names are made up to protect their privacy and not make me seem like a weirdo writing about them.
“Janine is known as the Tinder Queen”
Tinder Date 1: The funny cousin
Whilst on a longer holiday Janine has been swiping her fingers soar until she found, what seemed to be a super cute match- let’s call him Pete. They exchanged numbers and arranged to meet up in a bar. Of course I was requested to join the date to not make it anymore awkward than it would have already have been. She told me Pete would set me up with his cousin. God bless at this point I have been third wheeling on enough Tinder dates to know that all I would get out of it would either be the hangover of a life time or shitty conversation. Regardless I said yes because who would turn down free drinks? Entering the bar Janine spotted her Tinder conquest and he looked almost as good as in his pictures. I would say 7/10. After getting the super awkward, ground swallow me up introduction over, Marcus his cousin comes over. As far as I remember he was younger than me and just not my type so I finished the first drink in lightning speed. As the conversation progresses Marcus is growing on me, not that there is ANY chance of a hook up but I’m starting to think the night might actually be fun. Soon Janine and I realize that Pete may have a handsome face but character wise is more suited to a sack of potatoes, where as cousin Marcus are bonding on our growing desire for a delicious mid-night snack. The night turned into a bar hopping marathon and was actually one of the best nights out on that holiday, thanks to cousin Marcus. The next day Janine wants to send a screenshot of Tinder Pete to a friend so she can see what he looked like. The awkward person that she is, she actually sent the screenshot to Pete himself which turned everything slightly awkward and stalker-ish. It never came to a second date. Janine is single till this day.
“I have been third wheeling on enough Tinder dates to know that all I would get out of it would either be the hangover of a life time or shitty conversation.”
Tinder Date 2: The mom match maker
Whilst in a tropical place Janine was direct messaged on Instagram by a photographer who saw her on Tinder. Steve the photographer wanted to meet up with her to take some pictures and go for a drink. The place this story occurred we only drove around on scooters and since driving a scooter isn’t one of her many talents I had to play chauffeur and come with to meet this guy. We met up with him and he said he wants to shoot in a rice field just outside the centre, so we followed him on the scooter. Very quickly we realized that this dude was off his nuts and didn’t cling on his life too much judging by his suicidal driving style. Arriving to the apparent destination alive and well, a sigh of relief overcame me. At this point I didn’t know he wasn’t done trying to have us killed. We practically ran through a rice field labyrinth, as the sun was setting and there wasn’t much time left. I still have scratches from falling down into the mud paths and the fear of being bitten by a snake or stepping on a mouse haunts me till this day. Thank god an hour later the shooting was over and we headed back to town. It was already dark, which didn’t stop Steven from driving his scooter with one hand to get his phone out of his backpack and text his mom. This is where the mom story starts. Steven asks us if we would like to go for a beer as his mom is currently getting a foot massage at this place close to a bar, to which Janine answers with the legendary phrase “I don’t mind”. Great Janine doesn’t mind, I almost got killed, let’s drink to that. As our beers get to the table Steven gets a text from his mom asking him to bring her a gelato, to which he suggests she shall join us on the table, which she does ordering a large Mojito. Whilst Steven is busy chatting up Janine in hope to get some I’m bonding with his mom who is showing me her new curtains and is telling me about her twenties. Steven’s mom doesn’t hesitate to inform me multiple times how much I look like her when she was younger, continuously tapping Steve on the shoulder pointing out our apparent similarities, to which he replies with an absent nod to continue gapping at Janine. Slightly tipsy we all decide to go for dinner together, yes Steve’s mom is coming with of course. We suggest to go to the best vegan place on the island and since Steve’s mom told me she’s hoping to loose a few pounds she’s more than keen. Let me tell you, I still feel a strong bond with her till this day.
“I’m bonding with his mom who is showing me her new curtains and is telling me about her twenties or how much she looked like me back then.”
As much as I dreaded joining Janine’s Tinder dates, I got some good stories and free drinks out of it. These are actually just a few of our Tinder/Dating stories, let us know if you would like to read more!